When you passed I was wide awake at four am the next morning and after soaking my cheeks and bed pillow with tears I went to pakefield beach by the Jolly Sailors where we had many meals. I sat on the bench overlooking the sea numb and crying. I then went down to the shore and sat on the pebbles the sun was scorching me I couldn’t look at the sea it was that bright. So I stared at the pebbles then I thought is that you mum? Is that sunlight you? Are you with me right now? Then I took some pictures on my phone. There is a small white spot rising on two of the pictures. I am looking for signs of you in everything now from the butterfly who touched my arm at rosewood, the butterfly who touched my face in the garden, the random feather on my lawn and the new breed of butterfly in my garden this week. Nothing has prepared any of us for this. Even hoping that it was fast is no comfort. I want you here. We were going to the new range Saturday then Aldi maybe even a cheeky bacon roll at Greggs. The hurt Has got to get better right? I miss and love you so much. Hope your singing and dancing up there with all we’ve lost before x